From a Therapist’s Perspective: Why Words Matter

As a therapist who works with individuals navigating high-functioning anxiety, perfectionism, and deep self-doubt, I see it all the time: people with anxiety already feel like they’re too much, too sensitive, or a burden. So when they open up and are met with dismissal—even unintentionally—it can reinforce those painful beliefs.

People with anxiety are often managing intense internal experiences while trying not to let it show. The right words don’t have to fix anything—they just need to help someone feel less alone in it.

Common Phrases to Avoid—and Why They Hurt

❌ “Just calm down.”

This phrase can feel invalidating. If the person could calm down, they probably would. Anxiety isn’t a matter of willpower—it’s often a physiological and emotional response that feels out of control.

Try instead:
✔️ “I’m here with you. Let’s breathe together.”
✔️ “Would it help if we sat quietly for a few minutes?”

❌ “You’re overreacting.”

Telling someone they’re overreacting communicates that their experience isn’t valid. For someone with anxiety, this can deepen shame and self-doubt.

Try instead:
✔️ “That sounds really overwhelming. Do you want to talk about it?”
✔️ “I can see this is really hard for you right now.”

❌ “It’s not a big deal.”

This may be an attempt to soothe, but it often feels dismissive. Anxiety magnifies risk and worst-case scenarios. Diminishing the concern can make the person feel irrational or unsupported.

Try instead:
✔️ “Even if it wouldn’t worry me, I get that it’s big for you.”
✔️ “Want to walk me through what’s feeling so stressful about it?”

❌ “Other people have it worse.”

Comparing suffering never helps. It usually just adds guilt on top of anxiety.

Try instead:
✔️ “What you’re feeling makes sense, even if others might not get it.”
✔️ “You don’t need to minimize what you’re going through—this matters.”

❌ “You worry too much.”

People with anxiety are already self-aware of their worries—pointing it out can come across as shaming, even if unintended.

Try instead:
✔️ “I can see how much this is weighing on you. What would help lighten that burden?”


Therapist using a blend of Compassion-Focused Therapy, Attachment-Based Therapy, and Internal Family Systems (IFS) to help clients heal anxiety, trauma, and self-worth struggles through relational safety and inner compassion.

What Does Help: A Compassion-Focused Approach

💬 1. Validate First, Problem-Solve Later

Let the person know their emotions make sense before jumping to advice. Validation calms the nervous system; advice often activates defensiveness or overwhelm.

Example:
✔️ “That sounds like a really tough situation. I can see why you’re feeling anxious.”

🫶 2. Offer Grounding, Not Correction

An anxious brain is already spinning—correcting facts or minimizing fears can make it spin faster. Offer something that helps them reconnect with the present.

Example:
✔️ “Can I sit with you for a few minutes?”
✔️ “Would it feel okay to do a quick grounding exercise together?”

🧠 3. Hold Space Without Pressure

Don’t force them to talk, but make it known that you’re available and nonjudgmental.

Example:
✔️ “You don’t have to explain everything—I’m here when you’re ready.”
✔️ “No rush. We can just sit together for a bit.”

🪷 4. Model Calm Without Demanding It

Staying calm yourself can help the other person regulate, but it’s important not to expect them to match your energy.

Try:
✔️ Soft tone, slowed breathing, gentle body language
✔️ “I’ve got you. You’re not alone in this.”

Final Thoughts: Supporting Without Fixing

Anxiety doesn’t always need a solution—it needs a sense of safety. The best thing you can offer isn’t a cure; it’s your presence. Just being there, without judgment, can be healing in and of itself.

💬 Therapist's Call to Action

If someone in your life is struggling with anxiety—or if you’re the one feeling overwhelmed—know that support is out there. Therapy can help you untangle the roots of anxiety and build a more compassionate relationship with your emotions.

Click here to learn more about therapy for anxiety or schedule a consultation.

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Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Support Without Losing Yourself