The “Bird Theory” and Gottman’s Bids for Connection: What It Really Means to Turn Toward Your Partner
Lately, social media has been filled with videos about the “bird test”. One partner points out something simple, like a bird outside the window, and people use their partner’s reaction as a sign of relationship health. While it may sound like a fun pop-culture trend, this actually reflects a core concept in John Gottman’s research on healthy relationships: the idea of bids for connection.
As a therapist trained in the Gottman Method, I often help couples understand how small, everyday moments, like noticing a bird, can reveal deeper emotional patterns between them.
What Is a Bid for Connection?
A bid for connection is any attempt, big or small, to engage with your partner. It can look like:
Commenting on the weather
Pointing out something interesting, like a bird outside
Asking a question about your day
Sharing a memory or observation
The content of the bid isn’t what matters; it’s the act of reaching out. When one partner says, “Look at that bird!” what they’re really saying is, “Will you turn toward me? Will you share this moment with me?”
The Ideal Response: Turning Toward Your Partner
In Gottman’s framework, there are three ways to respond to a bid:
Turn toward your partner
Turn away (ignore or miss it)
Turn against (respond irritably or dismissively)
Even a small acknowledgment, such as a nod, a smile, or a “mhmm” counts as turning toward. But the most meaningful responses are the ones that show curiosity or engagement, like:
“Oh, that’s such a pretty bird! What kind is it?”
“You always notice little details like that; I love that about you.”
These small gestures build emotional connection over time. Gottman’s research found that couples who report being happy in their relationships turn toward their partner’s bids 86% of the time, about four out of five bids.
Think of it like adding coins to your relationship’s emotional piggy bank. Each time you turn toward your partner’s bid, you deposit a little more trust and connection.
When Bids Go Unnoticed: Is It a Red Flag?
Many people wonder whether missing or ignoring a bid is a “red flag.” The short answer? Not necessarily.
It’s common for bids to go unnoticed, especially when they’re subtle or when one partner doesn’t realize that the other is trying to connect. A missed bid doesn’t automatically signal trouble, but when it becomes a pattern, it can lead to emotional distance and disconnection over time.
If you notice this happening, try approaching it with curiosity rather than judgment. Instead of asking, “Why didn’t you respond?”, try, “I was hoping we could connect in that moment, can we try again?”
Why Testing Your Partner Doesn’t Work
Some people use the “bird test” as a way to test their partner’s attentiveness or empathy. While understandable, this approach often sets up a “pass/fail” dynamic that can create defensiveness or shame.
My recommendation is to avoid testing and instead communicate directly about bids for connection. Let your partner know what helps you feel seen or supported and ask what that looks like for them, too.
For example:
“When I share something small from my day, it helps me feel connected when you respond or ask a question.”
This type of conversation builds awareness and invites collaboration, rather than setting traps or expecting mind-reading.
How to Start a Conversation About Bids for Attention
If you’d like to explore this with your partner, here are a few conversation starters:
“I saw a video about bids for connection, have you heard of that idea?”
“I think sometimes I make bids for connection that go unnoticed. Can we talk about what they look like for us?”
“What helps you feel connected during small moments in our day-to-day life?”
These questions open the door to more understanding and emotional responsiveness. Often, it’s not that our partners don’t care, it’s that they haven’t learned to recognize how small moments can hold deeper meaning.
The next time your partner points something out whether its a bird, a song or a meme, pause and notice what’s really happening beneath the surface. These small, seemingly insignificant interactions are the building blocks of trust, intimacy, and emotional safety in a relationship.
Whether you’re in a season of reconnection or repair, remember: the strongest relationships are built on moments of turning toward one another, again and again.
About the Author
Zoe Spears, LMFT, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in Los Angeles, offering virtual therapy across California. She is trained in the Gottman Method for couples therapy, an evidence-based approach that helps partners strengthen communication and deepen emotional connection. Zoe specializes in helping couples navigate conflict, infidelity, and disconnection, and works collaboratively to help partners rekindle closeness and trust.