Why Listening Matters in Relationships (and Why Many People Get It Wrong)

As a couples therapist, I often see a recurring pattern in relationships. When one partner shares something difficult, the other partner instinctively jumps into problem-solving mode. Instead of offering empathy or understanding, they immediately try to “fix” the issue.

While well-intentioned, this response often leaves the other partner feeling unheard, dismissed, or emotionally disconnected.

So why does this happen, and what does better listening actually look like?

Why Many people Struggle with Listening

From a therapeutic lens, this pattern often stems from a combination of factors, including socialization, cultural expectations, and early family dynamics.

From a young age, many children are subtly taught different messages about emotions. Some are encouraged to be open, expressive, and nurturing, while others are praised for being independent, composed, and goal-oriented. Caregivers may unintentionally reward emotional control or problem-solving over vulnerability and empathy.

As adults, these early lessons often carry into relationships. Many people learn to take on the role of the “fixer,” believing that love means solving their partner’s or child’s problems rather than offering understanding. Others may feel uncomfortable sitting with emotional distress, wheter their own or someone else’s, because it wasn’t modeled as safe or acceptable growing up.

But here’s the key difference: when most people open up, they’re not looking for a solution. They’re looking for understanding, empathy, and validation.

Why Listening Is So Important in Relationships

Listening is one of the most powerful ways to strengthen emotional connection. When we feel heard, we feel seen, and that builds trust and intimacy.

In contrast, when one partner feels dismissed or invalidated (even unintentionally), emotional distance begins to form. Over time, this can lead to feelings of loneliness, resentment, and disconnection.

Being a good listener means focusing less on fixing and more on understanding.

What Is Active Listening?

“Active listening” is a communication skill that goes beyond simply hearing the words someone says. It involves:

• Showing genuine interest in what your partner is sharing

• Paying attention to both verbal and non-verbal cues

• Reflecting back what you hear to show understanding

• Validating your partner’s emotions, even if you don’t agree

For example, if your partner says, “I’m so stressed about work,” an active listening response might sound like:

“That sounds really overwhelming. I can see why you’d feel frustrated.”

Notice that this response doesn’t try to fix the problem or minimize the emotion. It simply communicates empathy and understanding, which is often exactly what the other person needs.

5 Therapist-Backed Tips for Becoming a Better Listener

1. Ask What Your Partner Needs Before Responding

When your partner opens up, try asking, “Do you want to vent, or are you looking for advice?”
This simple question prevents assumptions and helps your partner feel respected.

Even if they do want a solution, start with validation first. It’s much easier to accept advice when you feel emotionally understood.

2. Show Genuine Interest Through Body Language and Questions

Nonverbal cues, such as eye contact, nodding, or leaning in communicate attention and care. You can also ask open-ended questions like:

“What was the hardest part of that for you?”
“How are you feeling about it now?”

These small gestures signal, “I’m with you in this.”

3. Validate Before You Problem-Solve

Validation means acknowledging your partner’s emotions without trying to fix or correct them.

For instance:

“I can understand why that would be upsetting.”
“That makes sense, I’d probably feel that way too.”

Even if you see things differently, validation shows your partner that their perspective matters.

4. Express Support and Affection

Physical and verbal affection helps ground emotional conversations. This might mean saying, “Come here, let me hold you,” or offering a hug.

These gestures communicate solidarity and that you’re on the same team, which fosters safety and closeness.

5. Don’t Side with the Enemy

When your partner is upset about someone else (like a boss or friend), resist the urge to defend the other person’s perspective.

While it may seem rational, it often feels invalidating to your partner. Instead of saying, “Well, maybe your boss was just having a bad day,” try, “That sounds like a really hard situation. I can see why you’re frustrated.”

This doesn’t mean you have to agree; it means you’re prioritizing empathy before analysis.

Reframing the Need to Fix

Most partners who try to solve problems are doing so from a place of care. It’s hard to watch someone you love feel hurt or powerless. But it’s worth remembering that your partner doesn’t need you to fix their feelings. They need you to share in them.

When you release the pressure to have the answer, you create space to truly be with your partner, which is often the deepest form of support you can give.

Final Thoughts

Listening is one of the simplest yet most transformative skills in a relationship. It builds trust, deepens connection, and helps both partners feel emotionally safe.

And the good news? You don’t have to be perfect at it. Small moments of turning toward your partner through a nod, a kind word, or a validating statement add up over time and help strengthen the foundation of your relationship.

About Zoe Spears, LMFT

Zoe Spears is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in Los Angeles, serving clients virtually across California. She specializes in couples therapy and is trained in the Gottman Method, an evidence-based approach that helps partners improve communication, rebuild trust, and rekindle emotional and physical connection.